I often feel that I'm missing something. Do you ever get that? That feeling you're forgetting something, that you're not in the loop, that you just...are missing something.
I'll be embarrassingly honest; I've never been in a meaningful relationship. I've never had a girlfriend with whom I spend a considerable amount of time. One might think as they read this, that I'm taking pity on myself and I'm clinically depressed, this post being my last address to the world before I end it all. Sorry Law and Order SVU, no one is dying about a blog today.
So I'm sitting here on a Sunday afternoon trying to think of ways to round out this post about my amazingly succinct romantic life, and I tell ya I'm having trouble.
People generally agree that dating when you're an adolescent and through your young adulthood serves you well. The justification being that one will better be able to find their 'soulmate' or just find a compatible marriage partner easier. But I don't see why you need to go through x number of relationships before you get married, or before you're even able to get married. I'm not saying everyone should have one and exactly one relationship in their life, and I'm not saying having several relationships over the years is a bad thing either. I'm saying that it's an unnecessary to force yourself, in a way, to date people, just to date people. I realize that finding one's soulmate or developing a meaningful, lasting relationship is not always the motivation for dating people. I know that teenagers and horny, and many of them agree to go together as long there is lots of sex. But I mean if you're fine not being in a relationship, you're doing your own thing, and you don't feel the drive to develop one, that's fine. I think that many people think, "If I don't date someone I'm not normal." Well, define normal. We generally think of normal as things the majority of the population take part in, the things that show up in pop culture, things like movies, shows, music and so on. Obviously everyone is different and we all differ from societal norms in one way or another. My exception, one of them anyway, is that I don't date. I don't go on dates. Well, I've been on exactly two, but they didn't lead anywhere, hence I've never had a meaningful girlfriend. And truth be told, I think people in high school, shit just people in general, are really bad at going on dates. Here I am, a guy with minimal dating experience, telling everyone else they suck at dating. So call me an ass.
I just think that lots and lots and lots of people are really, really, really boring. I think there is a serious lack of originality, of creativity, of general character. Nobody has any balls anymore. When I say balls I don't mean literal testicles, I mean metaphorical balls of not being a bitch. When I say bitch I mean that in the androgynous way of being...uncool, gay, partypooper, sore thumb etc. Everyone gets offended. Everything is an issue. Everything is this or that, is categorized. Taboos are off limits. Things are awkward. God that really pisses me off. SHIT IS NOT AWKWARD, YOU ARE AWKWARD! Okay? You make things awkward. You make something awkward. It is not the situation that is inherently awkward. Silence is not awkward. This is perfect example of how people suck at dating. Two people on a date: there is no conversation at the moment. What does that tell you? Many people would like to say, "Oh, well the date isn't going very well, they aren't talking." Others would say, "Awkward silence." Nope. It's called a peaceful silence. Words do not have to be coming out of your mouth for a date to be good. Constant conversation actually gets really, really annoying. Having silent moments are not awkward. You make them awkward. And filling a peaceful silence by shooting any random thing only broadcasts, "I'm really insecure about myself and lack self-confidence something fierce, here I'll make a bad joke and then laugh three times as much as you, even though I told it."
Maybe I'm too over-bearing. No, I'm really not. Maybe I'm abrasive. No, I'm really not. People are just bitches. I'm being serious. I don't how other than to explain it that way. People are always walking around with their guard up, with this facade of hunky-doory, saying to the world, "I'm doing just fantastic, this forced smile will prove it." And when people aren't doing that, and they are honest with themselves, they go into this different type of guardedness, a closed off kind, like a hermit. It's easy to see that people are like this, but if anyone tries to help or maybe even just asks the time, they're met with condescension and bitchiness. And I'm not being gender-specific. Girls, guys, everyone can do this.
I don't do that. I don't put up walls. I'm pretty well raw with people. Stone cold bluntness is my middle name. I should qualify my statement better. In my natural form I am totally blunt. I don't bullshit around with social or emotional stuff. Other people, in all of their bitchiness, don't like that, so I generally don't speak and act in my normal way because people would freak the fuck out. I'm not saying that I'm better than anyone. I'm not saying that I'm so cool and everyone else isn't, no. I'm simply explaining that I'm completely honest with myself and others about my emotions, or just about anything. I don't find it difficult to tell someone what I'm feeling. I don't veil my intentions in riddles, I don't pussyfoot around. I tell it how it is. And I don't find it necessary to bitch about things. One might argue that what I'm doing right now is bitching about people bitching. Well, sure, say that. But I'm not writing about my girlfriend, or my parents, or my siblings, or my teachers, or how hard my life is or how worried I am or how all I want to do is smoke weed. I don't have time for that. I am not one for petty bullshit. The sad thing though that I'm coming to find out is that people will never stop being petty and bullshitful. I could be sitting in a nursing home 100 years from now and there would be a person who hasn't matured a bit since they were thirteen. And that really makes me sad.
Stop being a bitch. And I'm talking to flabby, uninspired kind, not the cold-hearted kind. It just irritates me how many people want to live that clean, pure, mechanical suburban lifestyle, where everything is known and nothing is ever wrong, where the lawns are neatly mowed and all the neighbors just fucking love each other. Stop being delusionally optimistic about things. Be realistically optimistic. And then go have so cool experiences, outside of your sheltered little bubble.
I love this post.
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