I am a better writer than most people

Don't believe me? Don't like what I write? Disagree with me? You don't have to, you're welcome to argue with me, and you're entitled to.

It's a vexing situation to be in, the one I find myself in. Of course though, as I will go into greater detail in other posts about this, this situation I'm in is completely fabricated by my own accord. I admit it's my own fault that I'm a bit different from everyone. I realize no one is identical to anyone else, I realize that everyone has varying degrees of "normalcy". What makes me so special I can call myself more different then? Do I really think that I'm that much better than everyone else to say I'm markedly and noticeably different from everyone? No, I don't think I'm necessarily better at anything than the next guy, though I know I have found I'm better at lots of things than most people. It doesn't matter to me though. If you're a regular reader (ha, funny) you already know what I value most, or what I've told you I value. I don't value numbers to denominate my performance. I don't care about grades, I don't care about percentages, I don't care about how many cups of coffee I drink, I don't care how many times I use my computer to download illegal software, I don't care how I'm ranked among my peers. I don't give a flying fuck about many things lots of people assign ridiculous and exaggerated, arbitrary values to. I don't care how much my clothes cost, how much your's cost, how many women you've had sex with, I don't care how much money you have or how many touchdowns you had in high school.


Call me narcissistic, but I think of myself before others. I am generally not a sympathetic person. I see things rationally, as often as I can anyway. I hold what I would call a sensible, secular, and level-headed perspective on most things, though I am limited in exposure to differing viewpoints and am not well-traveled. I think of myself before others because, besides obviously I exist within my own body, my own mind, I'm the one person that understands me. It sounds stupid, to say I'm the only one who understands me. Everyone, at least I hope anyway, understands themselves. Their feelings, their opinions, their, well, them. However, I would say many people don't really take time to understand themselves.


"The unexamined life is not worth living" --Socrates


I do understand myself, as much I can about myself anyways. Many people simply do not understand what I'm saying, what I'm doing, or what I'm trying to do 95% of the time. Just the other day I was trying to explain my job to someone and I couldn't even convey where geographically it is that I work. I used directions and everything. I told him exactly what it is that I do (I work in a restaurant kitchen). Still did not get it. It pisses me off honestly, when people can't comprehend even the simplest of concepts discussed in everyday conversation. If people can't do that, how am I supposed to expect them to understand anything more complicated? When people ask me what I'm thinking about I lie. It would take too long to explain what I'm actually thinking, and frankly it's none of anyone's business. Some of you might be thinking, "Well people don't understand you because you don't give them a chance. You're not sharing any information." To this I would say you're wrong. You're wrong because I discuss, or attempt to discuss anyways, several of the things I would tend to keep to myself. An example would be the situation with Israel and Iran. Bits of history that are often ignored or glazed over that turn out to be pretty important, weird physics, the complexity of society. These are all things I think about on a regular basis, and many times when I try to fit them into a discussion I'm met with a "wtf?" look. Really? Am I saying that odd and crazy things that it is just dumbfounding to think about? I once explained my take on life and how we all fit into this grand design to someone. It was a girl I said this too. I explained for probably close to half an hour. After all of it she said, "you think too much". No, I don't, so shut your face. It's infuriating. To say all of these long thought-about concepts and spill them all out in an ordered and rehearsed spiel, and I get "you think too much". Can you see now why I am annoyed with people?

I understand myself, other people don't. It's that I don't give them opportunities, it's that they don't get it. Sometimes I think of meeting someone exactly like me. A clone, if you will. If I met a clone of myself I think I would hate him. I would hate him and I would probably want to kill him. Seems contradictory, to want to kill the one other person who understands what I'm thinking. I would though, I wouldn't want him to live. It's a scary thing, to think there could be someone with the same identity as you walking around out in the world.

Blah blah blah blah blah listen to me splurge my words into a blog post. Gaaaahhhhh your face.

Went out to dinner last night. It was very good. We went to an Italian restaurant. I had lobster. My grandmother paid. She tipped $18. My brother was very conversationally retarded during dinner. It was my brothers and I, and my grandma. My brother, the weird one, talks way too fucking loud. Literally, you can hear him across the room. It's like he always has to hear himself at the same volume, so he compensates for others participating in conversation by talking over them. Shut up! Seriously, it's like the conversation just has to follow the course that he thinks it should take. It's like he's completely oblivious to social cues. He doesn't get along well with my other brother, and for reasons I will not go into he is appropriately awkward towards my grandmother. Jesus. He's infuriating and self-centered and completely cocky and smug in his demeanor. Shut up. Just shut up and quit smoking weed. Everyone knows your smart, okay? Just shut your face and cut your hair and quit acting like a fucking douchebag. One doesn't have to examine you very closely to see your nervous and anxious in social settings, especially around people who aren't stoned off their ass like yourself. Talking loud and not letting conversation take it's course is not how you disguise that, in fact, it does the opposite. If you'd like to exude such a countenance that suggests you aren't socially handicapped, you just act like you're having a good time. Also, don't take money from the cupboard without telling anyone. I need money to survive as well.

If you can't already tell, I don't much care for my brother much of the time. Sad to think he's older than me, and I'm more mature than he is. I'm not kidding you, my whole family will back me up on this. Mom goes on vacation, she leaves me with the vast majority of the money and leaves me in charge. Stupid bastard.

This post has a lot of negative energy, and I would just like to note that I'm not aiming to burden you with that negative energy. Think of this blog as a toilet, and I'm simply eliminating this negative energy via this blog. It really does help me feel less anxious, more content and calm about life.